Longing

I really, really miss my sister
I knew I would miss her...and I would get to see her through her daughter - which is a gift that I will never be able to comprehend - but oh God, I miss her so much that my body aches, my mind races and my nose runs.
I am not sure where her wedding rings are. During the craziness of planning for her final rest, I don't know what we decided to to with her rings. I looked in her dresser and I did not find the rings, but I did find other things in every drawer that bonded us together more. In the top drawer were her pajama pants, each pair brought up fresh memories of her lounging around the house. The Valentine's Day PJ pants that we bought at Target the last time she had a major scare were hard, but worse were the cute white ones with pink stars...I don't know why, but she did wear them a lot. The next drawer down held something special for me. The CDs from the Tibetan Freedom Concerts. Um...ouch. This is a searing pain from my gut to my throat, numbing my fingers and my toes. She saved these in a special place because that trip was special. We got to go to DC together for the first Tibetan Freedom Fest shows. We stayed in a hotel room and partied together, just the two of us... it was such a great time. I drove down the wrong way down a one way street and we survived! We took her Jeep... that is a great memory and she kept it in the bottom of her t-shirt drawer. Next I arrived at a t-shirt that took me by surprise because I have never seen it before, it was a Thundercats Tee! She LOVED the Thundercats! Thundercats HOOOOO! She would yell and run around the house with an imaginary sword. All those curls bouncing around and all that Hailey energy bounding through the house would shut everything else down. We loved watching the Thundercats with her because she loved it so much, she got so fired up that she got the whole house fired up... that is Hailey. Ha.
IS IS IS
I have a hard time with WAS... that WAS Hailey... she still IS to me
IS IS IS
she still IS somewhere... I just cant see it or hear it - I really wish I could, but I am not a part of that party.
There were more shirts... GA tees, Phish tees, Panic tees... she has more tees than me! dang! All of them are soft like she was. Her skin was so soft. When she left her body, her skin did not feel the same, I knew that she was not there... SHE made her outer shell soft, even when she was so rough - she was truly soft. I hope everyone can hear that, feel that, see that - she may have been crazy, rough and loud - but what she really wanted to show was that she was soft
That's her true self, sweet and soft.

Doshas and Chakras

Tonight's yoga class lead to some interesting discussions about Doshas and Chakras. One of our regular students went on an amazing trip to a spa/yoga resort and had Ayurveda treatments plus tons of Yoga. Ayurveda is the sister science of Yoga.  Ayurveda is a form of alternative medicine that puts your body, mind and spirit into a category called a Dosha. Ayurveda is an old (very old! 5000 years or so) system of natural healing that has its roots in the Vedic culture of India. Most of us are dominate in one dosha, but we have elements of all three. Deepak Chopra has a great selection of products and tons of info on Ayurveda and your dosha.

Click here for a quiz to find out what your prominant dosha is and you can find some products to help balance your doshas. 

Then we talked about chakras. Another regular student has started to meditate and keeps seeing colors, and felt a covering or protection over her head while meditating and thought that this may be a little, um, off. When you live for 30 years and never experienced a feeling like this, it can freak you out. However, getting in touch with our energetic body is totally natural and better than OK, its amazing!  Our chakras are energy centers in our bodies that correlate to major organs and our nervous system. Our fabulous ancestors pretty much figured out our nervous system before modern science, x-rays, or MRI machines. Chakras are easy to feel, you know the feeling of being "all choked up" having "butterflies in your stomach" or having "brain fog" - these all relate back to our chakras, or energy centers. In my research tonight I found a neato torpedo web site that has a chakra quiz and tips on how to balance the chakras using mudras and mantras.
Click here for a great chakra quiz - see where you are in balance and where you are out of whack.

Till next time...
Love, Light and Mantras

Donna...the Transformational Life Coach - and what the heck is reunion energy healing anyway?

Hola!
Here I go again, pouring my heart out on the computer screen.

I have had 3 energy healing sessions with Donna and its always amazing, right on the money and very peaceful. If you are wondering what this is all about here is a summary of my last session with Donna using reunion energy healing.

My issue: a permanent lump in my throat, it has been there for years and it drives me nuts, its stuck qi (or energy) and I want it OUT

Here is what Donna discovered through the healing... the stuff in italics is my 2 cents. 

• Dimension: where my issue is located is in my 3rd Chakra, the throat and that "Love as a presence, your trust in the Divine is a supporting radiance in every situation" - basically I am not trusting God to get me through all of this crap I am going through.
• This is "affecting my Charisma as an unwitting loss of gratitude and joy, this loss of joy has been graying your charismatic presence in the world." - Ugh...grey charisma, that is not pretty, loss of joy and gratitude...sounds about right even though I am fighting to hang on to the light.
• Kundalini: (interesting that my healing went to a yogic term...the universe knows my language) I am in a boxed in place that has confused my ability to nourish, fulfill and feed myself. TRUE DAT! At this point in the healing Donna started to feel a boxed in feeling in her throat, which is exactly what I feel all the time. This may sound woo woo crazy, but the way I look at it is energy is energy, it can not be destroyed so as I am trying to get rid of it I transfered some of it to her. Another way of looking at it is "releasing the flies" as my massage therapist friend calls it, just like in The Green Mile when John Coffey heals somebody then coughs up flies. 
• Nourishment: I need to be supported by my inner resource (aka GOD)
• Resource: my inner strength and the urge for a grander and more potent life has been leaking away :( 
• Territory: losing faith, losing instinctive understanding...yes, that too as much as I hate to admit it, but the darkness I am in is blinding
• Implant: on my tongue (makes sense since this is manifesting in my throat), this denies me the heart energies that enable me to manifest in the material world. At this point we do some visualization exercises that help me release some of the pressure in my throat
• Reunion: A failure of heart and profound sense of struggle is trying to resolve, but its being jammed in some way.
• Complete resolution requires the courage to awaken from this implanted trance that hoods my existence. (hoods is a nice way to put it, some days I feel trapped under a house a la Wizard of Oz)
• Trance: feeling wrong, limited, sad, condemned, manipulated or distracted by others - shielded from the WONDER of LIFES INFINITE POSSIBILITIES - I can not tell you how true this is in my life. I KNOW there is more, but I feel stuck. So how the heck to I get out of this "trance" ???
• Now for the good part... Abilities & Blessing: Being in the flow, restating your true purpose and happily gliding toward their accomplishments. As your higher self, be aware that you are opening your heart to your loving and courageous artistry. So the way I get out of this trance of grey, trapped, boxed in limited thinking and doing is to rest in the Divine flow of the Universe and opening my heart to the possibilities of an amazing life.

So, is the lump in my throat gone? No. It was for about a day and then it came back. The work is up to me. I need to trust that God will get me through all of this, open my heart and get in the flow. Its time for me to get off the bank of the river of life and jump in. I am aware this is going to take time. Three years of fear, sadness and helplessness has beaten me up. Now my sister is gone and it sucks. I don't have to worry about her dying anymore, that part is over. I miss her and I just want her back. I need to have the courage to jump in the flow of life without her.  I don't want to. So this work is up to me and God will be my guide... listening to my heart and having the courage to follow it.

Yoga Music

Some teachers do not use music at all in their classes. It can be distracting especially if the music has words. I do use music, some days I do use familiar songs that have words like some Bob Marley, The Beatles and U2. Those are normally fun classes, a little looser and chill. In most of my yoga classes I use music that is soothing and instrumental - or with Sanskrit chanting. My favorite is Deva Premal. Her voice is so soothing and you know she truly has a big, loving heart that is expressed in the gift of voice.  This song Om Namo Bhagatave is one of my personal favorites. The meaning of these words according to her website is...


Om is the name of that inside me,  

which is aware of the unity of  

all things

Enjoy:

Soul Food

It has almost been one full month since my sister's cross over and I am feeling drained. There have been many changes in the last few months of my life and lots more in the last few weeks. I know I need more energy and I want my zip back. I know that depression, tears and bad days are normal and I welcome all of them. I want to move through this with dignity, strength and clarity.  Clarity of the mind, body and spirit. A clear head can not come with spirits, dairy, fat and sugar clogging my veins. I have enjoyed comfort food of mac and cheese, pasta and fried everything for long enough and I feel the need to gain clarity (not to mention energy).  My brain fog is thick and my sleep is sketchy at best. I do not want to continue like this.

Almost every morning I wake up and one of my first thoughts is "The Daniel Fast." I ignored it, and I don't know why the thought is there. I have only heard of this fast in passing and have never fasted before in my life. The closest I have come to fasting for spiritual reasons is giving up brownies for lent. Last week I brought up the Daniel fast on facebook and in yoga class. It just so happens, that most of my students have fasted for spiritual and mental clarity. Another happy "coincidence" was that one of my newest students had a book on the Daniel fast in her car.
OK God, I hear you. I submit.
Tomorrow, I am starting a modified version of The Daniel Fast which is based on the Biblical scripture Daniel 10:2-3: "In those days I, Daniel, was mourning three full weeks. I ate no pleasant food, no meat or wine came into my mouth, nor did I anoint myself at all, till three while weeks were fulfilled."

I have not completely heard from God the exact details of my fast. I will spend time in prayer and meditation tonight and see if I can gain more clarity on this. This meditation will be post yoga and pre -sleep.

This much I know:
Vegan - no meat, no dairy, no animals
No alcohol
No sweets
No pre-packaged food

God has the vision for my life, I need to plug in and connect. This may mean that I unplug my toys too - TV, computer and iPhone for specific periods of time during the day. I am not sure how long this fast will last - I am still waiting to hear what God has planned for me.  It may be for the full 21 days, it may not.

Ahimsa in Sanskrit means non-violence, peace. I think factory farming is violent to animals and our planet. When I see "Mechanically Pulled Apart Chicken" on Colleen's chicken nuggets - I cringe. Yikes. What a way to die. If you don't think this is nasty, watch the documentary Food Inc. and tell me what you think after you watch it.  *By the way, that brand of chicken nuggets do not cross our threshold now.

Ahimsa toward myself is not allowed. No violence in my body. To torture my liver, gall bladder and intestines with toxins is a form of self deprecation.  I will not belittle my body with toxins. I will not be foggy because my veins are clogged with unnatural food. I have said for years that "this is not what God intended us to eat" now its time to walk the walk with a spiritual cleanse. I have cleansed before, but never for spiritual reasons. All my other cleanses have been for me, my flesh, my ideas. This is God's plan for me. I am listening.

My intention is clear, I need more clarity, peace and sleep.  I need to be closer to God and my family needs me to be at my best. I want to feel better. God wants me to feel good, He loves me, and He is showing me the way.

I will see you in your dreams...



She's got wings, she's got wings...

 Hailey always told Colleen that she would see her in her dreams. I asked Colleen if she has had any dreams about her mama. "Yes." This is what she is dreaming every night...
Mama and Colleen are flying on winged unicorns in a shiny turquoise sky. Mama has on a pretty purple dress and has lots of curly black hair.She looks beautiful. Colleen is laughing and flying on her unicorn, which is also purple. Mama's unicorn is green. The music is beautiful and "Airplane" is playing. Mama tells Colleen that she loves her, and Colleen tells her that she loves her too.

I don't believe in coincidences

My sister passed at 5:05 PM, this song was played at her funeral at her request. She made this request in February.


China Doll ~ by the Grateful Dead


A pistol shot, at five oclock, the bells of heaven ring,
Tell me what you done it for, no I wont tell you a thing.
Yesterday I begged you before I hit the ground,
All I leave behind me is only what I found.

If you can abide it, let the hurdy-gurdy play,
Stranger ones have come by here before they flew away.
I will not condemn you nor yet would I deny,
I would ask the same of you, but failing, will not die.

Take up your china doll, take up your china doll,
Its only fractured and just a little nervous from the fall.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la.