Dear Sugar,

Dear Sugar,

I want you to know that I really enjoyed our time together during the holidays. It was great being with you again, and yes, it brought back fond memories of old times. But I'm afraid I gave you the wrong idea, and I want to make it really clear: things cannot go back to the way they were. What I mean is I can't see you anymore, Sugar. Despite all that is so good between us, our relationship is bad for me. When we were together, I was depressed and tired and I gained weight - yeah, I know you like me with "a little junk in the trunk" (your words, not mine), but this time, it's about me and what I want for myself. I can't always be defining myself by what you see in me, you know? So I need for this to be our last communication. If you care for me at all, please respect this and don't even think about showing up for dessert tonight - we already said our goodbyes last night. And this morning. :-) I'm sorry if this hurts you - some part of me will always love you. But from now on, when we see each other at the coffee shop, the bakery, the candy aisle - those special places where we always used to find each other - let's just look the other way, okay? And move on.

Sincerely,

Heather

* * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Alcohol,

R U busy 2nite? Call me! XXXXXX00000000

-H

PS - I can not claim this one, found it on FB - too funny (and true) not to share!

Holiday Cheer

Well, Hailey is out of the hospital and will be out until she goes back to Texas in January! Whoo Hoo!
She is feeling pretty good, gets tired easy, but she was able to go shopping with Mom and Colleen yesterday. I am taking her to finish up tomorrow. She can not walk around, so we get to wheel her around in a wheel chair. She is getting used to that, but she still does not like it.
We are going to drive around and look at Christmas lights like we did when we were kids tomorrow night :)

So, hold your dear loved ones close, cuddle up next to the fire, watch classic Christmas movies and drink some Irish Coffee. Tis the season! Enjoy it, do not stress over the details, you never know what next year will bring.

Friends

Wow, its been 10 days since I have blogged! That is too long. Its amazing how time gets away from you during the holidaze. Honestly, I have spent a lot of time on the couch. Its been a rough 2 weeks. Since Hailey's seizure, I really have just not been "right," just a little off, if you know what I mean. It really freaked me out. Since her seizure, she has already had another round of chemo and is now resting at my parents house. We hope that she can stay well and stay out of the hospital this week. Usually she gets a fever and has to go back into the hospital for IV antibiotics and medication. I find it just plain crazy that someone with cancer can die of a cold because of the chemo. Just plain crazy.

Anyway...enough about cancer. I want to talk about friends. When you are stuck in the muck of depression and you feel like you are in a fog, you need some sunshine in your life. This is when friends become very important. I have never been one to have a large group of friends, particulary girlfriends. But in my mid 30s I have finally found a beautiful group of women that have come into my life at just the right time. We had a girls night this past weekend and it was so healing, so fun and just what the doctor ordered. I guess what I am trying to say is that for a long time, I have been trying to "do life" on my own, Mrs. Independent. But now, I have people I can call when I am freaking out and I don't feel like a failure. This may sound silly, but I bet some of you out there know what I am talking about. We don't like it when people see us at our weakest. We feel like a burden, a failure and maybe a little crazy. This is a trick of the ego - stupid ego! We need community! We were created for community and friends. God did not create us to be loners. He created us to be together, to hug each other and to wipe away each others tears. Why do we hide our faces when we cry? or run to the bathroom? or hide under the covers? What is the shame factor in crying? Have we be conditioned this way? "Jesus wept" - shortest verse in the Bible and it says so much. Geez...even God cries! So why do we hide? I want to say that I am so happy that I have people in my life that I will allow to see me all red faced, puffy, snotty and crying. I know that they will wipe away my tears and bring me a tissue. They don't think I am crazy, and even if they did I think they would love me anyway.
I know that some of you will read this and think, "wow, Heather, you have plenty of reasons to cry." but here is the thing, something inside of me (and I bet you too!) has this urge to "be strong." We are told that we "have to be strong for so and so." What a load of poo. No, I am not going to freak and cry in front of Hailey all the time and weird her out, but I do not have to "be strong" for my friends. My friends don't have to "be strong" for me, they can cry with me if they want.  I love them and they love me!

Update on Hailey

I just wanted to let everyone know that Hailey is at home and resting. They did keep her over night and did a CT scan, and a MRI and both of those came back OK, so no damage or (gulp) tumors in her noggin.

She is now on anti-seizure meds and the docs do not know what caused it. We asked all the questions, was it the prescriptions? chemo? the full moon? They don't know what happened or why which is pretty scary - but the good news is that she is on meds and hopefully won't ever do that again.

Thank you all for all your support, prayers, vibes and love. When we are having a tough day/week/moment...your love is felt and the prayers are working miracles on my heart.

Bad, bad, bad day

December 3, 2009
Well...today sucked.

The beginning of the day started out normal...shower, drive, work, blah, blah, blah
then I got a call from my mom at 3:15 saying "its not good, this is not good" that is seriously the first thing she said, my mother, and she was breathing really heavy and I could hear yelling and commotion in the background.
then she said that Hailey was having a grand mall (is that how you spell it? who knows?) seizure and that they (meaning the paramedics) were bringing in the crash cart
At this point I am saying "What the f*$@) do you mean they are bringing in a crash cart!??"
WTF is going on mom!!!
This has to be the scariest moment in my life. I kid you not, I was sitting on the floor in my office yelling WTF is going on mom!? in an attorney's office.
Times like that do not call for any sort of manners.
Thankfully the attorney I work for is awesome...anyway...
Then my dad gets on the phone, this is when it gets really bad
My strong as an ox, stubborn as a mule, Bad Ass Airborne Ranger, Dad is hyperventilating. Literally. He had a heart attack 2 years ago, and I am freaking out because NOW I am not only worried about my sister, but my dad is about to fall out while I am talking to him...
I just kept saying "daddy, just breathe, just breathe"
He just said "She quit breathing"
Jesus.
I am now sitting in the floor of my attorney's office rocking back and forth and ready to puke on the floor. My poor boss grabs me some water and stands in the corner... probably feeling like he is going to puke because he had to get some tums.
So after my dad finally settles down he says that Hailey is breathing, so they are putting her on the ambulance and taking her to Athens. This all happens so fast I really do not know where I am or what I am doing anymore, almost an out of body experience.

My dad rides with her in the ambulance, AFTER they check him out to make sure HE was stable.
Jesus. (I am not taking his sweet name in vain, he is the only answer to such tragedies, so I may as well just interject Him in here)

I get off the phone with my hysterical mother right after she tells me that James does not know.
Great, James does not know???!!! her husband? are you kidding me?
"Will you call him?" she said, well....yeah...DONT YOU THINK SO?!
So I call him, and let him know. At least he did not have to hear the blow by blow in the back ground like I did. However, he kept pacing back and forth at work saying "I can't work, what do i do, I can't work..."
Thank you Andrea for kicking his repetitive blundering butt out of the restaurant and making him get into his car.
What is it about tragedies that turn you into some freakish robot? I am rocking back and forth on the floor of my office about to puke and poor James is pacing and mumbling....not pretty.

Anyway...
We all finally make it to the hospital. And if any of you are wondering about the sweet one, Colleen, she unfortunately did see a little bit of this happen today but was whisked away to a neighbors house and fed cookies and cake. So she was well hidden from most of the horrors.

Finally...Dad, James, me and Mike were at the hospital with poor Hailey. She is talking, BREATHING, and seems pretty normal really. The CT scan showed nothing on her brain. THANK GOD. The ER docs said that they do not know why she had the seizure, so they are doing an MRI on her and then maybe we will know more. It may have just been a fluke...who knows.

The end of this episode is that she is OK, eating fries and going to bed. My parents will probably never be the same after having to hold down their child while she is having a seizure like that and Colleen saw some of that horror. I just heard the background chaos and I was a bumbling idiot. Please pray for the 3 that had to see it.

Cancer sucks. It IS the devil. I f'ing hate it and I want it to leave my sister's body and leave her alone. She may be weak, but (f*u cancer!!!!!) she IS strong. Cancer, you are in for a fight. You have not met the Gill's yet. We may be crazy, but we are strong. So take that cancer...we want you to leave. I am after my sister...and we are going to fight like crazy Irish freaks with God on our side to get her back.

Blood, Hot Showers and Breathing

My sis, Hailey, finally went home after recovering in the hospital from chemo for a week. She finally got the blood transfusion that she needed. She was not even making red blood cells anymore, her white blood cells were long gone. She had the biggest racoon eyes I have ever seen, and she had no color to her skin. She looked like a vampire, minus the sexy. After she got the blood she looked better. She perked up and was ready to GO. My hubby and I wheeled her out of the hospital at 10:30 PM and she was so happy to be free. We called mom to make sure that the heaters were on in the bathroom so she could take a really hot shower when she got home. Unfortunately, her beautiful hair is starting to fall out already. I hate that. I love her hair, I always have. She hasn't but that is what happens when you have wild curly hair and all you want for it to be is straight and shiny. Believe me, she loves it now. She hates being bald and she is going to need a lot of sock hats for the winter. Poor baby.

There are some interesting things I am noticing through this process. There are 2 common denominators in our life, no matter who you are, what color you are, sex, creed, age, etc...

1. Blood - I find it fascinating that my sister may have been getting blood from a man, a man of a different race, that grew up in a totally different city, with totally different parents...and her body just accepts it. It makes me think that our brains should be the same way. God made our bodies to accept just about anybodies blood, the life force in our veins, in order to keep us alive - and when it comes down to it all the other junk and funk we get so tied up in as people just dissapears when it really matters. We are all the same underneath. Makes me think of the U2 song One "we are one, but not the same, we carry each other...one"

2. Breath - you guys know that since I teach yoga, I focus on the breath a lot. I tell Hailey to just keep breathing, just keep breathing. I know it hurts, but just keep breathing. When all else fails, our breath is still there. Its automatic, but so vital yet we never think about it. Practicing pranayama (breath exercises/control) will show you how very important and life changing our breath can be.

3. Sometimes a really hot shower is the best thing on the planet.