Fluffy

Recently I got a lot of pictures from my mom. Most of them were older, when Hailey and I were kids. Looking through these pics, I found one and I said - out loud, mind you - "hey, in this one I don't look like a fat girl" I am 8 years old in the picture. I have always told myself, and others, that I have always struggled with my weight. Looking at these pictures of me as a kid, I came to the profound realization that I have not always struggled with my weight, I have always struggled with my body image. I have also struggled to have a healthy relationship with food.
Comfort.
Food.
If you go to the doctor, you get a milkshake.
If you did not do well in a pageant, eat salad.
I was called "fluffy" by a dance teacher around 9 years old.
I can blame my parents, dance teachers, the media, blah blah blah... for the size of my butt, but I am now 36 years old and I need to take a realistic, healthy look in the mirror - and not just at my "thunder thighs."
My weight since I have been an adult has fluctuated over 60 pounds, up and down, up and down. At my most emotionally uncontrollable, I was either at my lowest weight or my highest.
I have realized that my weight, a number on a scale, has more to do with my mindset than a diet.
I am at a higher number on the scale now and it is driving me nuts, but, am I at an insane juncture in my life? Yup. Am I eating healthy food? Yup. More green smoothies than french fries? Yup.
So, what's a girl to do? Lie around all day eating berries, drinking water and foregoing stress for an opulent life... c'est la vie?
Hardly! I don't think that is in the cards. I don't want that to be in the cards. I have shit to do! Places to go, people to see and a family to tend to.
So - the balance between your emotional state and food???....???...
Is this just the way life is? Sad = too fat or too skinny, happy = healthy weight or happy and fat??? I will let you know how it goes.
Love, honesty and eat a friggin' cookie if you want to,
Heather