Wow, its been 10 days since I have blogged! That is too long. Its amazing how time gets away from you during the holidaze. Honestly, I have spent a lot of time on the couch. Its been a rough 2 weeks. Since Hailey's seizure, I really have just not been "right," just a little off, if you know what I mean. It really freaked me out. Since her seizure, she has already had another round of chemo and is now resting at my parents house. We hope that she can stay well and stay out of the hospital this week. Usually she gets a fever and has to go back into the hospital for IV antibiotics and medication. I find it just plain crazy that someone with cancer can die of a cold because of the chemo. Just plain crazy.
Anyway...enough about cancer. I want to talk about friends. When you are stuck in the muck of depression and you feel like you are in a fog, you need some sunshine in your life. This is when friends become very important. I have never been one to have a large group of friends, particulary girlfriends. But in my mid 30s I have finally found a beautiful group of women that have come into my life at just the right time. We had a girls night this past weekend and it was so healing, so fun and just what the doctor ordered. I guess what I am trying to say is that for a long time, I have been trying to "do life" on my own, Mrs. Independent. But now, I have people I can call when I am freaking out and I don't feel like a failure. This may sound silly, but I bet some of you out there know what I am talking about. We don't like it when people see us at our weakest. We feel like a burden, a failure and maybe a little crazy. This is a trick of the ego - stupid ego! We need community! We were created for community and friends. God did not create us to be loners. He created us to be together, to hug each other and to wipe away each others tears. Why do we hide our faces when we cry? or run to the bathroom? or hide under the covers? What is the shame factor in crying? Have we be conditioned this way? "Jesus wept" - shortest verse in the Bible and it says so much. Geez...even God cries! So why do we hide? I want to say that I am so happy that I have people in my life that I will allow to see me all red faced, puffy, snotty and crying. I know that they will wipe away my tears and bring me a tissue. They don't think I am crazy, and even if they did I think they would love me anyway.
I know that some of you will read this and think, "wow, Heather, you have plenty of reasons to cry." but here is the thing, something inside of me (and I bet you too!) has this urge to "be strong." We are told that we "have to be strong for so and so." What a load of poo. No, I am not going to freak and cry in front of Hailey all the time and weird her out, but I do not have to "be strong" for my friends. My friends don't have to "be strong" for me, they can cry with me if they want. I love them and they love me!